Sadness

I've never really had to experience the overwhelming sadness i've been feeling this past week, today my fears for my poor doggy were confirmed, and i'm heart broken. When i was at school i was quite literally fighting back the tears with all my effort, and once i started to walk home in the dreary weather, i just cracked. I love my dog so much and the thought of her not greeting me when i get home, her tail wagging when she's looking for frogs that just are not there, they way she knows when i'm feeling sad and comes and hugs me- she's everything to me.
I feel bad, because I know people lose family members everyday, and i know people must be thinking "she's just a dog" but she's so much more to me than that. I've known her for 11 years, i've seen her grow up just as she's been with me throughout my life, so the thought of her not being right there beside me, makes me so upset.
She's not just man's bestfriend, she's my best friend too.

I'm concerned. All my life i was 100% sure that i wouldn't do something that i didn't love or had little intresst in. I always said i'd rather be unempolyed and happy than rich and unhappy. But i seem to be going down a path i'm not sure i want to be going down. i've just been going down it because i'm good at it and it's something i could do. And like it's not like i have much time to decide: 14th November. That's it. A month and two weeks.

It just seems so young to decide what i want to do for the rest of my life. It's a stupid system and i'm just so stuck right now. All i know is that i need to go to university. I want to meet new people who are the same as me. Don't get me wrong i love my friends and it's going to tear me up when i leave them. They've been there for 7 years- in some cases much longer. But i think it'll be so nice to be surrounded by people who are as keen as me. I've just got to work so hard, i have to make people proud of me. It's just one of those things, ive got to achieve to make my family proud of me, to make me proud of myself.

But i so want to make the right decision.

i think i finally relised today why i'm so desperate to get grades so i can get to university. Because i'm SO desperate to be able to live in the same place for more than 4 days. This back and forth between my parents is ripping me to shreds. I will be absaloutly devastated if i don't get to go. The worse thing about it all is that my sister just started uni so i'm going back and forth all by myself. and it sucks to no end. its just extra stress i don't need. and i'm fed up but i dont want to hurt either of my parents by not going to theirs for equal amounts but i wish they'd consider me for once.

I'm feeling the pressure, there's so much pressure all the time- constantly. I don't really know how i'm supposed to live up to these expectations everyone keeps on assuming of me. I don't want to people to feel dissapointed in me and i really don't want to feel dissapointed in myself. But i can't keep on having this pressure on me, i'm exhausted, i'm stressed and i feel like i want to give up. Too much is being expected and i know i can't do what you expect of me and i'm sorry that i'm going to let you down. It makes me feel really weak when i compare myself to the person you want me to be and i don't want to feel weak.

oh just piss off seriously.
nice sly comments to try and make me feel worse about myself - that's what "friends" are for eh?
bitcheeees

Thoughts

Finding it really very difficult over the past few days to turn my thoughts off. There's just so many of them spinning round my little brain, constantly disracting me, and now is not the time for distractions.

I don't even know what i'm thinking/feeling any more -i just can't seem to make sense of them

;)

I'm actually feeling so good today. Don't get me wrong, i haven't been happy for the WHOLE day, the majority of it i've been feeling pretty content and just relaxed and happy with what i've got yanoo. It's been such a beautiful day, it started off looking a bit grey and gloomy but it soon lightened up and for the first time this yeah i felt a bit hot! Also, biology was a laugh as well, i know i should be concerned that our teacher just talks with us making funny comments and we're not exactly learning much... but today it just didn't really seem to matter. I was just kind of enjoying the moments and enjoying laughing rather than stressed and worked up about the exams which are fast approaching. Nice to have a break every now and then.
Although, as i've already mentioned, i haven't felt like this the whole day, i've had my moments, just as i always will. Letting all this work get on top of me and bog me down. Worrying about my lack of ideas for art. But it's ok, because i know i'll get an idea, i have faith in myself!! come on gen! Erm and then yeah just chilled out after my little stress session, watched the rest of a very potter sequel- which was brilliant, whoever invented that are true genius'!
and yeah finished the night off with some music and decided to clean my room whilst having a little bit of a dance to the music, it's ok, no one was watching and able to see my horrific dancing, but it's good fun and makes me feel happy! :D
anyway, just going to snuggle up into my bed and carry on reading my book : "the perks of being a wallflower" i highly recommend it!! xx