So my life has had one of the most drastic changes recently, i moved out and now go to university. It was a big change and very scary. I feel as though maturity has be thrust upon me. I've gone from having my parents there all the time, looking out for me, making sure i'm well fed and happy. But now i have to do those things by myself. I've learnt how to cook (ish), a risotto is probably the wildest thing i've cooked to date- but i'm going in the right direction. A first the most difficult thing was finding knew ways to keep myself happy. At home i had my two best friends to cheer me up, my dog to make me smile and comfort me when i didn't feel like being happy, and my cat to annoyingly wake me up each morning with his purring. I know now that it wasn't the worst way ever to wake up. At first i thought "ahh i just can't do this, i'll drop out, do some resists and reapply to a university in London and live at home" But i stuck it out and soon realised i was living with some really great people (and some messy people), i was at one of the best university's in the country and i was being taught by leaders in their field.
One of the best things about being here is that i'm not moving back and forth twice a week between my parent's houses. I have one room, which is where i sleep every night. I don't wake up disorientated and having to think about where the hell i am. So that's pretty great. Don't get me wrong i do miss my parents so much, but it's nice to have some consistency in my life.
I feel really happy here, and i'm so glad. Even though it is stressful with all the work, it's nice to be challenged and i'm loving it.

Sadness

I've never really had to experience the overwhelming sadness i've been feeling this past week, today my fears for my poor doggy were confirmed, and i'm heart broken. When i was at school i was quite literally fighting back the tears with all my effort, and once i started to walk home in the dreary weather, i just cracked. I love my dog so much and the thought of her not greeting me when i get home, her tail wagging when she's looking for frogs that just are not there, they way she knows when i'm feeling sad and comes and hugs me- she's everything to me.
I feel bad, because I know people lose family members everyday, and i know people must be thinking "she's just a dog" but she's so much more to me than that. I've known her for 11 years, i've seen her grow up just as she's been with me throughout my life, so the thought of her not being right there beside me, makes me so upset.
She's not just man's bestfriend, she's my best friend too.

I'm concerned. All my life i was 100% sure that i wouldn't do something that i didn't love or had little intresst in. I always said i'd rather be unempolyed and happy than rich and unhappy. But i seem to be going down a path i'm not sure i want to be going down. i've just been going down it because i'm good at it and it's something i could do. And like it's not like i have much time to decide: 14th November. That's it. A month and two weeks.

It just seems so young to decide what i want to do for the rest of my life. It's a stupid system and i'm just so stuck right now. All i know is that i need to go to university. I want to meet new people who are the same as me. Don't get me wrong i love my friends and it's going to tear me up when i leave them. They've been there for 7 years- in some cases much longer. But i think it'll be so nice to be surrounded by people who are as keen as me. I've just got to work so hard, i have to make people proud of me. It's just one of those things, ive got to achieve to make my family proud of me, to make me proud of myself.

But i so want to make the right decision.

i think i finally relised today why i'm so desperate to get grades so i can get to university. Because i'm SO desperate to be able to live in the same place for more than 4 days. This back and forth between my parents is ripping me to shreds. I will be absaloutly devastated if i don't get to go. The worse thing about it all is that my sister just started uni so i'm going back and forth all by myself. and it sucks to no end. its just extra stress i don't need. and i'm fed up but i dont want to hurt either of my parents by not going to theirs for equal amounts but i wish they'd consider me for once.

I'm feeling the pressure, there's so much pressure all the time- constantly. I don't really know how i'm supposed to live up to these expectations everyone keeps on assuming of me. I don't want to people to feel dissapointed in me and i really don't want to feel dissapointed in myself. But i can't keep on having this pressure on me, i'm exhausted, i'm stressed and i feel like i want to give up. Too much is being expected and i know i can't do what you expect of me and i'm sorry that i'm going to let you down. It makes me feel really weak when i compare myself to the person you want me to be and i don't want to feel weak.

oh just piss off seriously.
nice sly comments to try and make me feel worse about myself - that's what "friends" are for eh?
bitcheeees

Thoughts

Finding it really very difficult over the past few days to turn my thoughts off. There's just so many of them spinning round my little brain, constantly disracting me, and now is not the time for distractions.

I don't even know what i'm thinking/feeling any more -i just can't seem to make sense of them